changes
flashing quickly and painstakingly between mania and anxiety this week, like I am filling with steam and floating, hovering a few inches above where I'm supposed to be. I see seas of cerulean and a wild crimson horse running free, gentle-wise-deadly. I see myself painting. Using my fingers and becoming possessed by that electric fervor, urgency, teeth gritted and posture straight, buzzing. there's a fire under me because of the fire under the earth's crust, the fire of the dying world, pushing me to make new life. I see myself memorializing these moments in time that, otherwise, only I would know. Connector, letting in, opening up. In a world that is up in flames isn't it so much more freeing to let it all in rather than close the door? I think something I'm starting to find and know in my heart is that I'm in control. I don't want to let my doubts control me. I can shape change, rather than let change shape me. If I want to be a certain way, I can be. When I'm in an anxious moment, a negative feedback loop forms. I become self conscious and the hateful things I think about become true in my posture and the way I speak and then I use that reaction to fuel the next bout of self-hatred. I refuse to hate myself any longer, it serves no-one. I love myself like I love the people around me and I want to share that with the world. I am going to work harder to let myself be the person I want to be. I love you (yes, you.)
Song of the day: Keys to the city by the Go! team Image of the day:
