movement
like feet, water, birds. I'm scared of the big change I need. there's already so much changing, all the time, and I feel stuck, so why is it so hard to practice what I preach? my brain rushes to imagine all scenarios and then gets caught in a loop and stuck on rollercoasters, for some reason. self doubt, fear. I'm scared of making the wrong choice, uprooting the little corner of peace I have built for myself. some people fight for that all their lives... but I feel the stagnation and resentment in me growing. it is frustrating that I cannot be satisfied, but even if I were, what else awaits me? I need to go forward and learn from others. its funny because I already felt like this one year ago and here it is happening again, so much sooner than I was ready for. Imagining what could be: wood floors, cats, a little one bedroom apartment. Bay Area sunshine in the spring and being able to walk everywhere. young people, learners, phd? new people in general. I need to manifest this change. I could be a part of a web, like bugs. my web is currently in tatters. what about a new one? where every face I pass by is new? and less... responsibility in some ways, and more in others. I think I would enjoy that. I do not want to be the one doling out tasks anymore, give me structure and instructions. give me people! give me life. I can see it spread out in front of me, that sunny porch, that somehow... I managed to manifest all those ancient years ago. different people and yet....