dream
I have been working on a new painting, and testing glazes for my sculpture. both of these things are reminding me of the importance of practice and experimentation. the painting is much more of a drawing- oil as a base on top of dark blue paper, with pastels on top. I'm enjoying the freedom and swiftness it allows me. it's also humbling in a needed way, realizing I have the ability to make good art, but my lack of experimentation has led to inconsistency with style... if I can nail down a technique that suits my needs and vision, then I can produce more and be happier with the results. this might be the one to sit on for a while, so I want to produce more works in this way. as for my sculpture, the slowness of this process is also a nice lesson, reminding me not to rush my growth or beat myself up for not producing a huge volume of work. / I have also been dealing with the psychic damage that occurs at a crossroads. dang. I have so, so much riding on the whims of a stranger's decision and I am trying to hold close the realistic possibility that it won't work out. and then what... that's where I'm stuck. when I log on to museum professional forums it's full of bleak despair... MA graduates without jobs, open positions getting 600+ applicants. I'm really lucky, truly, and I'm so scared my luck will run out as soon as I leave the county lines, but my soul is literally wilting away here. I am tired of isolation and knowing the names and history of everyone age 22-26 in this 15 mile radius. I am tired of being alone for 8 hours a day. not even close to family to compensate. if it wasn't for my few strong relationships I likely would have lost it by now. stuck in my phone screen most days, and the dream is TOO perfect, which is why I have to scale my expectations, reel in my faith in luck. the dream is... art classes on the big campus, brick and ivy, strawberry creek and cafes, cheap Italian and karaoke, hikes and that green-feeling air coming through a screen window, biking everywhere, meeting friends and making art with them, heading into the city on a whim for magic nights, working at my favorite place in the world. I would like to think I am so deserving but I'm not sure if luck will take me as far as it does in Merced. and I get in my head and think I should just stay put and be grateful. but also, the world is ending or it feels like that clock is ticking and I have so little time to reach for a dream, I mean, the dream has been exposed- it's false and empty, and so I doubt why I should even believe in it. but to drop it all together feels like giving up and letting the tides take me so I have to hold it close to my heart even knowing it's made of paper and crumbling, has been for a while. but maybe my dream can be reeled in, maybe my dream can be just to be, be around people who see it too. I can be put to use, I want to make change. and I'm not sure I can do that here anymore.