twenty five
25 now and presents come to me as new albums, grateful. want you to know that despite everything and the ugly feelings, I'm still rooting for you to make it, even if I can't be there for it.
this is one year where I'm not entirely sure how to feel about my birthday, do you ever? there's a proudness that I've made it this far, that the years are almost earned when I think back to where I used to be at. one of my new favorite songs is off headlights, real thing. feel it way too much!
its funny how after school-life every year passes fast and slow at the same time, not marked by yearly routine anymore, just running in to one another like streams of a river. when I look back at old photos they feel like they were yesterday and yet so much has changed in 3 years. I think back on how it used to be and I feel a deep pang in my heart but I gotta remember things have to change to move forward, gotta change to grow, and more is waiting. I have to believe in that or else i'd give up entirely. can't do that, can't waste what I've been given. I have to hold on to hope despite the future being up in flames, is this not just a case study in the larger scheme? this sounds real sad but I'm just feeling nostalgic, it's what you get a free pass for on your birthday after all. my dreams are telling, vivid, sad. I dream we can make it up to each other, and that everything is ok, and I wake up wondering why I'm so focused on this in the first place, people I love tell me to let it go but I can never shake the feeling I need to do more. I dream about big dinner tables with everyone I love and a hard conversation and then the cake is cut and tears are streaming.