old
growing old so weird... stuck seeing falls flash by me leaves all flying! blurs of orange, orange feeling, orange dream. that one orange playlist I made before I knew anything. I think the strangest part is looking back with clearer eyes. eyes that understand with hindsight, putting it all together only when I can see it at a distance. but how? that's what I'm stuck on. how I never saw it, couldn't see it until I had already moved past it in my heart. it was a lurching punch in my stomach when I read those words. and then I went back and re-read all of the words, devouring like a glutton for punishment. I was almost back in time but the bigger part of me still had their feet on the ground here, presently. and that's the thing... when you see it all so big and far away, it all makes sense at last and there's still a wrought pang in my heart but I feel ok with it.
I think I have to be ok with the past, constant reminders. like, acceptance. accepting that there are no re-dos. its ok that I never felt cool all those years. its so easy to be nonchalant and I'm glad I wasn't that. I apologize to the little me who was so sheltered, she was trying her best and I've been so mean to her, let others be mean too. I think earnestness is the word and I refuse to let that one go. I can't change what happened. can't can't but change with change me if I let it...
but I can live with that. breathing out I can let go of the feelings my 18 year old self screams up at me, resentment, jealousy, grief. it drifts away on the wind like flower petals and wet orange leaves.
I only ever wonder if you feel it too, but we have to let some things lie as mysteries I think because it can keep us going.
from Frances ha: It's that thing when you're with someone, and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it... but it's a party... and you're both talking to other people, and you're laughing and shining... and you look across the room and catch each other's eyes... but - but not because you're possessive, or it's precisely sexual... but because... that is your person in this life. And it's funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it's this secret world that exists right there in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It's sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don't have the ability to perceive them. That's - That's what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.
I think, I just feel lucky. to have found that feeling in multiple ways I couldn't have understood back then. to keep finding it over and over again. when I never thought I would find it at all before. thanks and I love you always.